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A study by Glenn Geher suggests that we do tend to choose a romantic partner who is similar to our opposite-sex parent.In his research, he not only asked participants to self-report on how their romantic partners were like their opposite-sex parents across various categories—he actually interviewed the parents as well.For a securely attached individual whose primary connections taught her that people are loving, dependable, and trustworthy, this is just dandy.But for those of us who are insecurely attached, the familiar can be dangerous territory.When we meet someone new, it’s not just our unconscious models that are in the room or at the bar; there are conscious assessments, too.So the question remains: How do we end up marrying Mom if she’s been critical, unavailable or unloving? Chris Fraley asked: After all, we all want a securely attached partner—one who’s emotionally available, loving, supportive, dependable—not an insecure or clingy one, or someone who’s detached and uncommunicative. The researchers suggested that what happens is a combination of misreading by one partner and a fair amount of strategizing and even dissembling by the insecure partner.One woman, the daughter of a hypercritical and demanding mother, recently talked with me about her recently-ended, two-decades-long marriage: "I still have issues with feeling capable and doing things right.

"Rather, what they respond to is memories of the interaction filtered through their working models.” This research explains why it is that if we have, indeed, partnered with someone whose internalized scripts are very different from our own, the discord is likely to be endless, with little resolution in sight without some kind of intervention. “Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (1991), vol.101 (2): 226-244. “Perceived and Actual Characteristics of Parents and Partners: A Test of a Freudian Model of Mate Selection,” I have not read your article yet but yes I married my unloving mother.

A body of psychological research reveals that our earliest relationships, especially with our mother, not only influence how we are able to connect to others as adults—in romantic and other contexts—but also create internalized scripts or working models of how relationships work.

Briefly, children, with loving and consistently attuned mothers grow up to be adults who see themselves positively, are comfortable seeking out close relationships and depending on others, and don’t worry about being alone or being rejected. According to the work of Kim Bartholomew, anxiously attached people will be “preoccupied” in relationships; they have a negative view of themselves and look to others to validate them.

My wife rules the roost with a dissatisfied look on her face which is depressing and familiar.” How can you end up marrying your mother (or father) if, on a conscious level, you’ve been on the run from her?

The answer has everything to do with attachment theory and unconscious mental models.